Gettin' a Little Personal (VI)

          I have gotten a lot of the same responses to telling people I no longer talk or see my biological mother. This response is "but she is the only woman that gave birth to you". And to tell you the truth that is a very narrow minded point of view. It takes a lot more that an egg and 9 month (or in my case 8) to be a mom. It takes putting forth the effort to continually know your daughter and understand that she changes daily. And as someone who judges without knowing my reasoning you need to know that there is a difference between mom and mother. And for a lot of people, they are one in the same. A mom is someone you can count on; she holds you when you cry, she takes care of you when you are sick. She knows you through and through. Whereas a mother is someone who made you. I have both, but they are two different people and for as long as I can remember they have always been two different people. My mother has never in my memory been a mom.

          So before you judge me and favor and feel bad for the woman you don't know, know this; these are only a few of the many stories that I have. When I was 5 she had me and my sisters stay in our van in January so that her boyfriend could stay in the house because there was a court order that her could not be in the same house as us. Her reasoning was that she said we asked her if we could. My question for you is would you say yes to a 5, 10, and 11 year old, to stay in a van in the middle of January? I hope the answer is no.
          When my parents were going through the initial custody battle my bio mother tried to accuse my dad of abusing be. and the JUDGE stopped her before she could even start and told her "Unless you have some pretty compelling proof, you better drop it." My dad has NEVER laid a hand on me EVER, and she tried to pull that. 

          There was also a time during the custody battle with my parents that I was so badly worked up about not wanting to go with my mother that weekend that my dad was not going to have me for any reason so when she got there (I was around 5 or 6). My dad had a tape recorder going this entire time that she didn't know about when he was talking to her. When she found out I wanted to stay she demanded to see me and tried to guilt me into going with her, but my dad stopped her. She then tried to PHYSICALLY rip me from my dads arms and take me. . And when he rushed me back to the house, my step-mom and grandma were inside to take me so that he could continue to deal with her. But that that didn't seem to stop my "mother" because she tried to barge her way into the house so my step-mom locked the door. I remember bawling so hard and being so scared and my grandma, and my mom holding me (my step-mom is who I consider my mom) and after that outside my dad called the police to get my mother to go away. When they arrived she tried to convince the police that my dad hit her. My dad played the tape for them and could plainly see that he didn't. The police let me stay with my mom and dad that weekend since we had court the next day.  

          Throughout the years my mother frequently would manipulate me and threaten suicide. She would say things like " You don't want to come down this weekend? If you don't want to come down anymore just tell me. Its fine if you don't love me anymore.", "If you don't love me then then there isn't any reason for me to be around any more. No one needs me. Why do I even stay here.". I didn't even realized that this was manipulation until this last year when I went into therapy again and my therapist enlightened me. And after that realization I looked back on all of my experiences with my bio mother and we didn't have and great times and she never took the time to get to know me. We never had a real relationship. It was fake.
          So, in short I am sick of people judging me about cutting a person like this, a person who has made my like worse. Who will I was in the hospital for depression found or that she was a major contributing factor to being pushed over the edge.
          The relationship I had with my mother was toxic. If it were anyone else such as a friend or a boyfriend everyone would be jumping down my throat to get away from such an unhealthy relationship; but since this was my mother most people tell to patch things up and give her another chance, as if I haven't been giving her chance after chance after chance for the last 17 years. So I am much healthier at the moment without her and my plan is to keep her out of my life until the day comes that i think of her and don't absolutely hate her for what she has done; when the day comes that I can think of her one day and genuinely wonder if she is doing well and want to meet with her and start again fresh. 
          I realize that some of you that are reading this may be thinking that she is only human and that she has made some mistakes, but she is an adult she knows right from wrong and her ultimate goal all of these years should have been what was best for me and my sisters. But she wanted to "win" She could see how happy I was with my dad and mom and manipulated me ti come down when I really didn't want to. I wish with all my heart that I didn't think of my own mother like this but thats the way it is and the people around me that have witnessed everything that has happened over the years have seen the same thing. 
          But with all of that I have been lucky to have someone in my life that I have not been related in blood, but that never matter for a minute for her. from them moment I met her her has been a surrogate mom. The fact that she isn't my blood mother hasn't ever mattered to her she views me as her daughter and I view her as my mom. She has been the person who held me while I cried. She was the person who I molded my self after, she has been my role model. My mom was the person who would have lively debates with me. She is the person who can go through a store and know for certain whether or not what she is buying I will like.(And yes this is important because this means she really knows me). She is the one who helped me with my homework, sometimes late into the night. She is the one who edits all of my papers. She is my best friend as well as my mom. I say thanks everyday thats I was able to be raised by someone that could give me the structure when I was little and the friendship when I was older. Its a had balance to maintain to be both a mom and a friend but mine did it.