Loss of Control

          The worst feeling in the entire world is the feeling of having absolutely no control over your body and your emotions. I have a history from earlier this year as most of you might know if you have read my earlier posts of when I was hospitalized for 7 days for depression. Well when I was there they found my golden ticket for making me feel amazing and normal for the first time in a year and half. But then one little thing happens and you get a deadly syndrome and they have to you off of then one thing that has been making you feel like you connect with the people around you. The doctors tell you that you will be ok and then you start to feel like the world is ending and you start to feel like how you did right before you went into to hospital the first time.
          For the past little while the only emotional range I have been able to feel is feeling irritated at the little thing that people do that normally before I would have been able to ignore and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry ro a week and not stop. And I can feel like this at the flip of a coin.  I hate not feel in control of my body anymore. I envy those people who can walk through the store for more than 10 minutes and not feel like they are being surrounded and can't breathe as well as many other effects. All these months I thought I was doing well and that maybe possibly I would be able to come down a little bit off of my anti-depressants but now I know that all that I was feel was the chemical help. And to tell you the truth that makes me depressed. 
          Nights are the worst time for me. I think of the cumulation of all the bad things that happened to ove the day and mix that with how tired I am it all just swirls in my head and it is a cocktail for bad thoughts and I end up dreading the next day because who would want to face a day that was anxiety ridden as the one you just faced. Who wants to face that day to day? For the past couple of days I have actually been contemplating quitting this quarter of school and focusing on my health but at the same time I refuse to give up. I am so close to the end, I have put in so much work to get here and the finish line is within sight and it would be like me just siting down in the middle of the race when I only have 50 more yards to go even though I am having bad chest pains. But ya know what I can finish I can make it the 33 more days and graduate. I will do this. I just wish this hadn't happened now and that this hadn't happened to me again. I don't wan't to feel out of control of my body. 

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